This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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