we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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