when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
