Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
