Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
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