How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
