turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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