My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Still dying that you shit outside
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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