24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
