Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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