Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
