I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
