lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
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Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
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I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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