Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
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I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
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i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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