Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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