it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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