I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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