We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
