I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
