I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
