i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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