Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
