i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
