i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
