Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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