Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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