The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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