I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
