If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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