today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
