I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
