I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
