dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
