Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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