Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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