the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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