After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he thought i was a dude.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
