everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
