just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I can't put those talents on a resume
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
