In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
