I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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