Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
