just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
