it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
