My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
