Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
