I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
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i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
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Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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