you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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