I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
