Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
