we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
