ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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