hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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