I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
